You know when we do things or say things that kind of hurt others who are important to us and then we try to justify them instead of saying it outright what initiated those actions or words?
What’s happening there?
Well, I think we get caught up in what we have learned from our parents, school teachers, classmates and other people in our lives as the right way to do life.
For example, a little boy learns it, early on, from his environment that he is not to talk about “feelings” or he would not be considered a “real man.”
So, when later in life, his girlfriend asks him what’s going on with him as he seems to be preoccupied, rather than sharing his feelings, concerns, or worries, he says that he has a lot on his mind, which will leave the previously curious and worried girlfriend in a state of more confusion and not knowing!
On the other hand, women, from an early age, are socialized to the idea that they should not be “too assertive or curious” or they would be considered to be “bit..y,” “nosey,” or even worse: “acting like a man!”
So, when the boyfriend says that “there is nothing wrong” or that “he has a lot on his mind,” instead of managing to initiate a “kind and non-intrusive dialogue” in order to help the boyfriend open up to her and share his thoughts and feelings, she stops right there and does not show interest to find out what’s happening with her boyfriend anymore…
So, both of them continue to live their separate lives side by side rather than a collaborative unit, as their realities are not being shared to create their uniquely co-constructed world.
What’s the solution?
One that comes up to my mind is to be willing to break the fixed social norms and attempt to create a “shared world” with the significant people in our life…
From both my personal and professional experience, I have learned this kind of openness evolves best when each individual has been willing to create an authentic relationship with her/himself before trying to relate to another person’s world.
This authentic relationship will enable one to answer these questions:
- What do I want?
- How much am I willing to invest to get what I want?
- Where am I headed?
- Do I want a relationship?
- What kind of a relationship?
- What are my expectations from the other one?
- What am I willing to give?
We are constantly bombarded by the “shoulds and should nots” of our parents, family members, society, media, religious authorities, academic authorities and so on…
It is only after we establish an authentic relationship with ourselves that we can sieve and weed out what we have come to regard as the fixed and thus proper rules of right and wrong, those which had been dictated to us by our society, from the ones in which we truly believe because of one or more meaningful events or interactions in our history; the ones we have chosen to be our values …
These values and commitments in life and to ourselves will be great grounds to share with our important others in our lives to invite them to our private worlds and, for them, to feel comfortable inviting us to theirs.
This will be our “get out of jail free card” that will allow us to act authentically and consistently with our chosen values without needing to justify our deeds or words within the terms of unexamined and taken for granted truths of our society.
Now the question would be:
“How do we establish an authentic relationship with ourselves?”
Good question! … I’ve seen people doing this by starting to ask themselves: If they knew they had only one more month to live, what ten most important things they would choose to do for the last 30 days of their lives…
Answering this question is helpful as people get a chance to prioritize what they value, regardless of what the society or others expect them to do…
Engaging in this fun exercise will take them through a process of re-evaluation of their life goals and the meanings they have attributed to them…
The next step would be going through experiencing some of those things in their real lives which will provide them with the opportunity to actually enjoy their lives rather than “getting through another day”…
The more individuals feel connected to their values and commitments to life, the happier and more energized they are going to feel …
and as a result, they will actually know where to go next and how to make those sparkling ideals happen in their daily lives…
This individual who has now dared to establish an authentic relationship with her/himself will be able to invite another person to their world and be non-judgmentally curious to understand the other person’s values, commitments, and goals…
There you go…
You will, then, be on your way to your happy life with another individual whose values and commitments and expectations are close to yours…
these shared values and expectations will make it much easier to make your relationship more fun, more meaningful, and happier…
and probably more stable…
You know when we do things or say things that kind of hurt others who are important to us and then we try to justify them instead of saying it outright what initiated those actions or words?
What’s happening there?
Well, I think we get caught up in what we have learned from our parents, school teachers, classmates and other people in our lives as the right way to do life.
For example, a little boy learns it, early on, from his environment that he is not to talk about “feelings” or he would not be considered a “real man.” So, when later in life, his girlfriend asks him what’s going on with him as he seems to be preoccupied, rather than sharing his feelings, concerns, or worries, he says that he has a lot on his mind, which will leave the previously curious and worried girlfriend in a state of more confusion and not knowing!
On the other hand, women, from an early age, are socialized to the idea that they should not be “too assertive or curious” or they would be considered to be “bit..y,” “nosey,” or even worse: “acting like a man!” So, when the boyfriend says that “there is nothing wrong” or that “he has a lot on his mind,” instead of managing to initiate a “kind and non-intrusive dialogue” in order to help the boyfriend open up to her and share his thoughts and feelings, she stops right there and does not show interest to find out what’s happening with her boyfriend anymore…
So, both of them continue to live their separate lives side by side rather than a collaborative unit, as their realities are not being shared to create their uniquely co-constructed world.
What’s the solution?
One that comes up to my mind is to be willing to break the fixed social norms and attempt to create a “shared world” with the significant people in our life…
From both my personal and professional experience, I have learned this kind of openness evolves best when each individual has been willing to create an authentic relationship with her/himself before trying to relate to another person’s world.
This authentic relationship will enable one to answer these questions:
- What do I want?
- How much am I willing to invest to get what I want?
- Where am I headed?
- Do I want a relationship?
- What kind of a relationship?
- What are my expectations from the other one?
- What am I willing to give?
We are constantly bombarded by the “shoulds and should nots” of our parents, family members, society, media, religious authorities, academic authorities and so on…
It is only after we establish an authentic relationship with ourselves that we can sieve and weed out what we have come to regard as the fixed and thus proper rules of right and wrong, those which had been dictated to us by our society, from the ones in which we truly believe because of one or more meaningful events or interactions in our history; the ones we have chosen to be our values …
These values and commitments in life and to ourselves will be great grounds to share with our important others in our lives to invite them to our private worlds and, for them, to feel comfortable inviting us to theirs. This will be our “get out of jail free card” that will allow us to act authentically and consistently with our chosen values without needing to justify our deeds or words within the terms of unexamined and taken for granted truths of our society.
Now the question would be:
“How do we establish an authentic relationship with ourselves?”
Good question! … I’ve seen people doing this by starting to ask themselves: If they knew they had only one more month to live, what ten most important things they would choose to do for the last 30 days of their lives…
Answering this question is helpful as people get a chance to prioritize what they value, regardless of what the society or others expect them to do…
Engaging in this fun exercise will take them through a process of re-evaluation of their life goals and the meanings they have attributed to them…
The next step would be going through experiencing some of those things in their real lives which will provide them with the opportunity to actually enjoy their lives rather than “getting through another day”…
The more individuals feel connected to their values and commitments to life, the happier and more energized they are going to feel …
and as a result, they will actually know where to go next and how to make those sparkling ideals happen in their daily lives…
This individual who has now dared to establish an authentic relationship with her/himself will be able to invite another person to their world and be non-judgmentally curious to understand the other person’s values, commitments, and goals…
There you go…
You will, then, be on your way to your happy life with another individual whose values and commitments and expectations are close to yours…
these shared values and expectations will make it much easier to make your relationship more fun, more meaningful, and happier…
and probably more stable…